first dust

I’m a little afraid of being too honest
Getting caught up in a hurricane of words I’m not fondest
Strategically wording my feelings in life
Is done better on pen and paper, I find
So let’s stop me from holding my tongue any longer
And start freeing my thoughts from this sensible sombre
Let’s get down and dirty with things that I fear
And see how things change as my head becomes clear

The water in a vessel is sparkling; the water in the sea is dark. The small truth has words which are clear; the great truth has great silence.
– Rabindranath Tagore

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Sinking

What is on your mind?

Every morning
I wake up tired
More anxious than I was
The night before

Every message
I reconsider
And think
“I could have not been such a fucking weirdo”

Every year
That passes me by
I reflect with regret and think
‘I could have done so much better’

Every emotion
That pulls me under
Makes me wonder
What will it take to not feel

Every expectation
Built for a queen
To fall alone
And see I was not prepared for this

Every stanza
I write with sorrow
And I tell myself
My future happiness will make everyone proud

But I am growing tired
Of years spent hoping
That one day
My whole life will reward me

And I am sick of growing
Away from what I thought I know
To be strong and thankful
Just like everyone would have me

I am sick
Of the constant ‘bigger person’
That I promise to be
When the people I am most apologetic to
Would sooner see me not exist

I am not happy or hopeful
And my deep misery
Seeps through my forefront
And poisons everyone I meet

You can not understand
Nor can you gain
And so you must pretend to be friendly
And seek shelter from the rain

And you will question this
“Why do you feel this way?”
If I had the answer
If I had a voice of reason
If I had a downwards boundary

I could stop myself
And start climbing back up
But the good times I had imagined have become worse
And the worse, the worst.

Steam train

Midnight chimes call me to slumber
But my mind races violently through memories
Dragging my heart through hot coals as it wonders
Who are you now?

Is the smile still coy
And are the eyes still filled with youthful exuberance?
Is the mind still unsure of life
And do the hands know what to do with the heart they now hold?

You appeared to roll in like a steam train out of thin air
And disappear just as unforgivingly
Giving one congratulated person
A short but plunging ride

As I look back now from times that should be blissful
My eyes well up at how intimate our collision was
And how the distance beyond that grew harder
How I wished you could have shared those moments with me

We had no spark, you felt.
You needed space.
You needed someone who could resist you more
And not have you consume their entire being

And I lay and changed into something I wanted you to want
And time taught me to care for myself
But I still look back and mourn the youthful exuberance and joyful ignorance I had
Before I poured my heart and soul into memories that I can no longer touch.

Now I lay here with my new lover
I pray he does not do the same
I push him away
And he wonders how a symphony could make me cry

I wish I had more than words to convey my grieving
The loss of a hopeful and trusting girl
Who was so sure she was on a quick route to heaven
But fell hard to earth as a woman who only knows how to hurt.

Online Blues

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Click on the blue light
And hope that I will see your name
This is what I’ve been doing every day

Turn off the wifi
So I can break free of these chains
It only makes me cry
I just gotta get away

Can’t keep you off my mind
When all I ever see is your face
I ain’t enjoying my life
I know things have got to change

You were my sunshine
But now you turn my skies to grey
If I can’t make you mine
I just got to get away

Feel like I’m wasting my time
I don’t know what I’ve done with my days
I could have come offline
But I continued to stay

Fade

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Your beauty fades
As the distance grows
And time fills up the space
That you have left

There are no kind words
To write on the back
Of polaroids taken
At the ball game

Only eye rolls
And ‘how could I have been so stupid’s
As she begins to grow back
Into her own skin

All the months and days
Spent wondering
‘What is wrong with me’
As you used her to immature

Gratuity and golden warmth
As all the good things come to her at once
A long-awaited happiness
That your pride stopped you from giving

You plant your empty promises
Onto another one’s lips
Another who in six months time will ask
What’s your name again?

Eggs

A rose with no thorns
Or the same old lout
Perhaps you’re the reason
Things never work out
Why they start with emotions
From the rooftops you’ll shout
Until you fall from your high
And cascade to the ground
And your mind starts to wander
Towards the things you’re without
It’s not you it’s me
Or the other way around
Is it normal to feel
All honeymooned-out?
You’re taking the hits
When they’re not thrown about
That feeling in your gut
Has you caught in a drought
You’ve put all your eggs
In a basket of doubt

Between the lines

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A friend of seven years
Or seven months
Cares not for time
And cherishes the moments
You might not gain again
This life
Congratulates your distance
When you return
With peace of mind
That no things change
If you expect
Nothing more than
Company requite

Complexity is nothing
Unless you let it
Blur your sight
You should not forget
Your native tongue
When new flames
Masquerade the signs
If nothing’s ringing clearly
You probably have
An oversight
A chapter starts on the same page
So never
Read between the lines.

Running free

French Valley by Y.S.

I’m throwing away my sneakers
The only shoes I owned
When I loved you
The ones which when I bought were white
But turned brown after the days and nights we spent running

Through fields
Through streets
Through sprinklers when we were drunk

The ones when you laughed at
I thought you were making fun
Because I didn’t realise you were laughing
At all the fun we had
That turned them to such a muddy shade

I carried on wearing them long after you left me
Because I didn’t think your departure would be so infinite
And in my mind
When I was coming home
I was coming back to run again with you

But now I run alone
And even though there is nobody to laugh with
When the grass turns to sludge
And my clothes turn wet from the rain,
I’m no longer bound to promises
That fall apart
On different terrain.

Summer loving

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Summer loving only leaves you bitter
Colder than any winter
Only when they go
Do you see the beauty in snow
Wrap yourself in layers to stop from getting sicker

Headfirst in waters that glimmer
The tide is high but you’re no strong swimmer
Let it pull you under
No more energy to muster
But mama didn’t raise a quitter

Big baby blues eyes
Seeing right through me
No emotional ties
You walk away with such ease
Put me back on the wall
I’m not the flower you wanted
After all

All my friends are sick of hearing me crying
Said by now I should have given up trying
You were only young
And I was warned all along
When did the prey ever get away from the lion?

Cut my hair because I thought you might like it
Dropped the price and you still didn’t buy it
Putting on a show
Only for you to ignore
I guess you like me best when I’m silent

Big baby blue eyes
Cascade over me
You’re the thorn in my side
I don’t want you to leave
Put me back on the wall
I’m not the flower you wanted
After all

Killing me softly

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You were a stranger in my life
And now you’re always on my mind
Thought you’d fallen from the sky
But you’re not here to be mine

Can’t you see that I’m wishing
For a moment to be with you
To be held by an angel
Who can make my dreams come true

Can’t you see that I’m addicted
Cold sweats when you let me go
Need you in a prescription
Need you in a daily dose

I thought lovin’ would be easy
But it’s destroying me
When you come and go so freely
I’ve got no stability

When you set goals up for your future
I hoped that you’d be seeing me
But you’re not sold; I’m just a feature
Until you find the real thing