Sinking

What is on your mind?

Every morning
I wake up tired
More anxious than I was
The night before

Every message
I reconsider
And think
“I could have not been such a fucking weirdo”

Every year
That passes me by
I reflect with regret and think
‘I could have done so much better’

Every emotion
That pulls me under
Makes me wonder
What will it take to not feel

Every expectation
Built for a queen
To fall alone
And see I was not prepared for this

Every stanza
I write with sorrow
And I tell myself
My future happiness will make everyone proud

But I am growing tired
Of years spent hoping
That one day
My whole life will reward me

And I am sick of growing
Away from what I thought I know
To be strong and thankful
Just like everyone would have me

I am sick
Of the constant ‘bigger person’
That I promise to be
When the people I am most apologetic to
Would sooner see me not exist

I am not happy or hopeful
And my deep misery
Seeps through my forefront
And poisons everyone I meet

You can not understand
Nor can you gain
And so you must pretend to be friendly
And seek shelter from the rain

And you will question this
“Why do you feel this way?”
If I had the answer
If I had a voice of reason
If I had a downwards boundary

I could stop myself
And start climbing back up
But the good times I had imagined have become worse
And the worse, the worst.