Sinking

What is on your mind?

Every morning
I wake up tired
More anxious than I was
The night before

Every message
I reconsider
And think
“I could have not been such a fucking weirdo”

Every year
That passes me by
I reflect with regret and think
‘I could have done so much better’

Every emotion
That pulls me under
Makes me wonder
What will it take to not feel

Every expectation
Built for a queen
To fall alone
And see I was not prepared for this

Every stanza
I write with sorrow
And I tell myself
My future happiness will make everyone proud

But I am growing tired
Of years spent hoping
That one day
My whole life will reward me

And I am sick of growing
Away from what I thought I know
To be strong and thankful
Just like everyone would have me

I am sick
Of the constant ‘bigger person’
That I promise to be
When the people I am most apologetic to
Would sooner see me not exist

I am not happy or hopeful
And my deep misery
Seeps through my forefront
And poisons everyone I meet

You can not understand
Nor can you gain
And so you must pretend to be friendly
And seek shelter from the rain

And you will question this
“Why do you feel this way?”
If I had the answer
If I had a voice of reason
If I had a downwards boundary

I could stop myself
And start climbing back up
But the good times I had imagined have become worse
And the worse, the worst.

Steam train

Midnight chimes call me to slumber
But my mind races violently through memories
Dragging my heart through hot coals as it wonders
Who are you now?

Is the smile still coy
And are the eyes still filled with youthful exuberance?
Is the mind still unsure of life
And do the hands know what to do with the heart they now hold?

You appeared to roll in like a steam train out of thin air
And disappear just as unforgivingly
Giving one congratulated person
A short but plunging ride

As I look back now from times that should be blissful
My eyes well up at how intimate our collision was
And how the distance beyond that grew harder
How I wished you could have shared those moments with me

We had no spark, you felt.
You needed space.
You needed someone who could resist you more
And not have you consume their entire being

And I lay and changed into something I wanted you to want
And time taught me to care for myself
But I still look back and mourn the youthful exuberance and joyful ignorance I had
Before I poured my heart and soul into memories that I can no longer touch.

Now I lay here with my new lover
I pray he does not do the same
I push him away
And he wonders how a symphony could make me cry

I wish I had more than words to convey my grieving
The loss of a hopeful and trusting girl
Who was so sure she was on a quick route to heaven
But fell hard to earth as a woman who only knows how to hurt.